Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over


Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley


My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?


We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons


If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.


Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.


I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.


popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things


I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.