Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bartandsoul

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

@ninatreemonkey

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

@Mike__Lee

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

@online_shawn

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

@Dawn_M_

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

@_BAnderson30_

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

@BiscuitFloater

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

@Heatinblack

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

@wolfpupy

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

@batkaren

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.