Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…