Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground