[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
me hooking up with my ex
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The cashier just checked me out.