The cashier just checked me out.
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Cinematography is my passion
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
#oldknees
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.