ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Fidel Castro was alive?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight