Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
This kinda thing happens to me often
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.