Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
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Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?