Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”
[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[First day of class at law school]
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.