I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
oh u like geography? name every lake
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.