I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude