I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
You Might Also Like
Seems legit
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..