[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge