r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time