My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Imma just leave this here…………
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Not today
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.