How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet