A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Seems legit
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.