My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
You Might Also Like
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.