There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
if a cop pulls u over play dead
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident