I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Lmao
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.