HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.