*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Oh boy, $150,000!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos