“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.