Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
You Might Also Like
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.