My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
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Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please