Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.