What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.