NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
May your day taste like creamy soup.
sliding into dms like
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body