NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?![]()
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Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism