My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible