My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
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Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring