My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*