Love is always patient and kind.
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Erm…