Love is always patient and kind.
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WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
A French press is when you hug naked
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Oh my God.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom