Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now