@shatty48

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

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@ddsmidt

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

@

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

@TheNardvark

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

@PJTLynch

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

@MrsTomServo

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

@squirrel74wkgn

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

@BumbleDC

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

@zachreinert0

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD