Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Noah: *eyes narrow*