I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.