*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Sniffing the broccoli
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?