The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*lint rolls you awake*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I like long walks away from everyone
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.