*lint rolls you awake*
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
so much to do
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.