Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.