The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
You Might Also Like
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Well, shit
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills