“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
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There is wisdom there.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
What
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”