shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
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[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.