Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I hate my earbuds.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions