Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
You Might Also Like
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Hey I worked for it too!
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan