A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I am HOWLING at this
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.