4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.