If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.