I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Its a hippotatomus
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom