“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.