my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
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why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Mistakes were made
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
twitter is a journey
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…