I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.