Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?