If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it