When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
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Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]