When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
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7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor