When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.