Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

With a text.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room