*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.